


i don't want to want you

by atinywooyoung



Series: First Milestone Drabbles [5]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:54:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25408744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atinywooyoung/pseuds/atinywooyoung
Summary: what happens when you’re drunk and madly in love with your best friend?
Relationships: Choi San/Reader
Series: First Milestone Drabbles [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1840264
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	i don't want to want you

**Author's Note:**

>   
> 

The music is deafening loud in the room, the lights are dim and there are people dancing, talking and laughing everywhere around you and yet, all you can hear is his laugh and all you can see is the way his eyes shine as he stares at _her_.

Your insides twitch in bitterness and you gulp down a good half of the drink you’ve been holding in your hand for the past ten minutes or so. 

Of all people to ever walk the Earth, he had to choose _her_ , the girl that has broken more hearts in the past year than you have changed clothes and yes, you do change clothes every single day.

You’d like to say that your main problem with Kwon Eunbin is the fact that she just uses boys until they can’t give her anything else and then moves on but, the truth is that your main problem is that her next target his him.

San must have said something utterly hilarious for her to laugh like that, tilting her head a little backward while placing a hand on his shoulder.

If ice stares could kill, Kwon Eunbin would be a corpse by now and you’d be the sole culprit to blame for her death.

You gulp down the rest of your drink, your features twisting with distaste at both the bitter taste filling your mouth and the scene before you.

Distracting yourself becomes increasingly harder as you start to get drunker but at some point, you do menage to tune out your best friend and his new conquest. Well, at least until they part ways for whatever reason and he decides it is time to fish you up amongst the crowd.

You hear his voice before you actually see him standing next to you, his smile almost obnoxious on his handsome face since it wasn’t you that put it there.

“Hey,” you say back, not actually sure what he just yelled at you and despite yourself, a smile spreads on your lips as you watch him eagerly jump up and down with excitement.

“I just landed a date for tomorrow evening,” he says this as if you were supposed to celebrate with him and granted, maybe that _should_ be your reaction given the fact that you are, indeed, his best friend but it is hard to be a good one when there is jealousy running through your veins right along with alcohol.

“With Kwon Eunbin?” You ask, eying the girl dancing with her friends at the other end of the room. You try to keep your tone neutral but you can tell you sucked greatly at it by the look San gives you.

“Yeah, why?”

You roll your eyes to the ceiling and fix your gaze fully on him this time, your lips in a tight line.

“Really, San? Number one heart-breaker at SNU? Thought you had better taste.”

San looks at you with eyebrows furrowed, probably deeply confused by your lack of excitement over his love life finally taking a turn in the “right” direction.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on, Eunbin has seen more dicks in her lifetime than my Grandma and she was an _andrologist_ ,” you don’t know where all this venom is coming from all of a sudden. Well, you do know, what you don’t know is why you are letting it out now, all at once.

San looks at you as if he doesn’t even know you anymore and your heart throbs in your chest the moment he takes a step back.

“That was uncalled for, _______. What is wrong with you?”

 _Clearly, everything_. There are so many things like this that you’d like to say to him because those feelings have been eating you alive for years now but still, you can’t tell him. Not now, probably never.

“Never mind.” You decide to reply and you turn your back on him so that he cannot see the tears that are starting to gather in your eyes, so that he cannot witness the hurt you feel inside twist your face as you cry your conscience away.

You are sick and tired of watching him be happy with anyone else that isn’t you and there is nothing you can do about it. 

Maybe this is the last drop filling the vase to the brim, maybe this is your breaking point and you simply can’t keep on going.

That is why you walk away from him, deaf to the sound of his voice calling your name until the music no longer fills your ears and there is only darkness around you, cold air hitting your face and his presence behind your back.

His warm hand finds your wrist and he tugs on it until you turn around.

“What’s going on?” He asks, his face twisted in both anger and worry because truly, he has never seen you like this. Laughable is the fact that _this_ , is who you really are and he doesn’t even know it.

“What do you want me to tell you, San?” Your voice sounds defeated even to your own ears and you absolutely hate the way he looks even more confused as you speak those words. Does he really have no idea why you are like this, of what he has been doing to you all this time? Is he really that oblivious when it comes to you and your racing heart whenever he’s around?

“What about the truth?” He releases your wrist but the warmth of his touch remains there as if his digits were imprinted on your skin forever. Maybe they are, maybe you’ll be forever stuck in this limbo of wanting someone that you cannot have, no matter how hard you try not to.

“The truth,” you say back, your voice shaking with bitter laughter as you open up your arms in defeat in front of yet another proof he just doesn’t see it, he doesn’t see _you_.

“You want the truth? Ok, here is the truth,” you spit those words out as the first tears fall on your face. It is the alcohol fueling you tonight, it is the hurt and the rage and everything mixed together and so for the first time in years, you say it out loud.

“ _I can’t stand Eunbin because of you._ Because you like her, because you want to fucking date her while I’m here, waiting for you to notice me, for once. What about me San? Why was it never _me_?” Your voice breaks and you realize you have been screaming those words out loud in the middle of the street, not caring one bit about whoever may hear all of this.

After all, you have nothing else to lose tonight.

“What are you saying…” San’s voice sounds incredibly small, especially compared to yours and you hate him for refusing to see the truth even now that you have screamed it right at his face.

“I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since High School and I wish I didn’t have these feelings, but I do.”

Your lips tremble and even more tears roll down your eyes as he stares at you in silence, unable to process what you just told him. _This_ , is why you never did.

“I…I’m sorry I don’t— _you’re like a sister to me_ , _______.”

He takes a step forward as if trying to reach out for you but you take one back, closing your eyes whilst shaking your head.

Those beautiful words would have meant the world to you a few years back but now? Now they are a bullet to the heart, the final nail to your coffin.

Things will never be the same. You can see it in his eyes, in his hesitation to reach out a hand and take yours as he would have during any other fight.

You can see the doubt, how he doesn’t want you to misunderstand his actions and that’s what hurts the most. Not him not sharing your feelings because, hell, you have been living through that for years. What kills you is the fact that your friendship has disappeared in the span of a second and all it took was for you to say the truth, to completely show yourself to him.

“Goodbye, San.”

Those words equal to you ripping your own heart out, his tears as you take a few more steps back equal to your soul being ripped to shreds but still, you turn your back on him and keep on walking.


End file.
